Thoughts on this mess

This will be my last entry

2009-08-31T13:44:00.000-07:00

I am a titan; a monolith. Men like me do not grow on trees. I pity those that neither discover nor claim their birthrights - the ones that stay at home safe and sound. Where I am going, most cannot follow. But I was built to endure. I was designed from the ground up to be something new in a land that reeks of stale and antiquated ideas - ideas that have proven time and time again to fail. Titans do not cling to these ideas. Titans break the rules and write the new ones.

Let the world know I walk with God. I yielded my sword to His Son. No one can say I am not His friend.

The ones who only know us from peeking out their windows will never really see us for what we are. We are fierce giants in a land of small men. What we are capable of is both beautiful and terrifying - and for good reason. We were not built to walk a land that was kind to us. We were built with the power to crush life in our hands. We choose to be gentle - we choose it because someone more powerful than us chose first to be gentle to us in kind.

I am a titan; a monolith. What runs in my veins is not a curse. It can be used for good. It does not mean that the good won't sometimes be afraid of us. This is our banner - that we choose good, though the good do not always know us. We are not the same kind. My kind has scars, bruises, evidence of combat. The pristine and unblemished find us an eyesore - an inconvenience to the property value of the neighborhood. They have no real fight in them and so they do not understand the value of a scar. They don't really know what it means to fight; to overcome. They are the pristine. The unblemished. And we are not their kind. But these are the same that cannot follow where I am going. They could never survive the fight. And for this they have my sympathy. They will grow old in their ivory towers and they will never know adventure until God comes back. These poor souls that never learned to take a leap.

I will go and I will walk with God. And someday I will be no more. But when I am gone, they will remember that I lived, that I was a friend of God, that I had fight, that I had passion, and that I did not stay at home.

2009-07-20T17:32:00.001-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YGc4zOqozo

Fear not. He loves you.

2009-07-14T12:20:00.001-07:00

ive just had a rather good experience. it comes not because of my actions, but in spite of them. my biggest struggle is trying to get an accurate look at the Father. Undoing two decades of viewing him as the grumpy step-father is difficult, but i know He wants me to see Him as He is. i haven't been acting in a very Godly manner this last week. ive made decisions that im ashamed of and i have been afraid that more and more my dark side was re-emerging to be the dominant force in my life. trying to bargain with God and beg Him not to leave me in this state as images of sternness and irritation on His part have been hard to shake. but this morning, at the peak of my disgust with myself and fear of my own capacity for evil, i dreamed a spirit of evil tried to enter me and take control and could not. i admit, it was terrifying, but when i awoke the Father reminded me of the deposit of His Spirit that He has placed inside me. such a thing i cannot lose because of the sacrifice of His Son Christ Jesus and my invitation that He be Lord over me. i am so very grateful for a God who, when we are behaving at our worst, will stoop down so low to where i have been and say, "Fear not. I love you." thank you Father. thank you Lord Jesus. thank you Holy Spirit.

2009-07-05T21:58:00.000-07:00

Five week progress report

Total reps - 6540/8000 rep goal

Average rep/day - 186/115 needed to make goal (counting rest days)

81% of goal completed in 50% of time allotted

2009-06-28T21:10:00.000-07:00

Four week progress report

Total reps - 5440/8000 rep goal

Average rep/day - 194/115 needed to make goal (counting rest days)

68% of goal completed in 40% of time allotted

2009-06-22T16:19:00.000-07:00

He leads us to places we don't understand sometimes. This is something we must embrace if we are to say we are actually seeking His face. We are not promised a painless ride. That just isn't the case. There is a reason, its His reason, and we dont always get a peek at the blueprints. I guess this is what it means to trust Him. I think Im starting to get it, and though it hurts I wouldnt trade it for the world. cheers.

2009-06-22T10:35:00.000-07:00

Three week progress report

Total Reps - 4000/8000 rep goal

Average Rep/day - 190/115 needed to reach goal (counting rest days)

50% of goal completed in 30% of time alloted

this is pretty much all i write about in the summer

2009-06-14T17:55:00.001-07:00

Two week progress report

Total Reps - 2200/8000 rep goal
Average Rep/day - 157/115 needed to reach goal (counting rest days)

27.5% of goal completed in 20% of time alloted

2009-06-09T17:24:00.000-07:00

1200 reps in nine days, including three days of rest. i was a bit disappointed with the three whole days of rest, but looks like the muscles did some growing in that time because i was able to bench 60 reps instead of my usual 50 and the 60 curl set i was planning on starting with came just as easy as the 40 curl set i had been doing. so our progress report looks like this:

133 reps per day/average (115 needed to make goal)
15% of goal accomplished in 12.85% of time alloted

so we are ahead of schedule and doing better than our needed average. we move forward!

2009-06-04T09:50:00.001-07:00

http://cinemaroll.com/cinemarolling/balloons-and-talking-dogs/

Race to 8,000

2009-06-01T19:10:00.000-07:00

Last summer, my workout goal was 5,000 reps by the end of the summer and I made it. This summer, I have upped it to 8,000. and dropped the time to 70 days. Today was day one of my 70 day regime. We are currently at 200 Reps for the day, or 2.5% of the total. I must average about 115 reps per day to meet my goal, and this includes rest days.

2009-06-01T14:26:00.000-07:00

"I suggest you go to the New York Times and read movie reviews so you get the hang of how to write one."

this was the final line of my editor's notes on my recent movie review for the paper. :D

2009-05-18T15:28:00.000-07:00

this weekend was amazing. i drove down thursday night to see the fam and ended up seeing the new star trek movie again with nich and ana. on friday morning i headed out to ihop with ana and we went to the zoo and a movie. on saturday my dad, ana, and i all went to the farmers market in olympia for breakfast and some sightseeing. we went on base and did a little shopping and then headed home. after that i went out to dinner with ms. rambeck at red robin where i got my usual royal. then we went to bradley park with jami and then to dq for ice cream. all in all a very very nice evening. after ice cream it was over to the boyers to see eric which was great, and then drove home to make it back in time for church, which was also good. a very busy but wonderful weekend.

2009-05-09T17:33:00.001-07:00

i started writing again. i started a new project last april and today gave it a nudge out the front door. this will be my project for the next two years at least. i will take the things i learned from the last project and use them. once something becomes a part of your toolbox, you should use it. yup. cheers.

2009-05-09T16:23:00.001-07:00

i read something beautiful today and i wept. proof that He keeps my heart tender. i am so grateful for my tears. let not my heart be hardened...

2009-05-05T15:48:00.000-07:00

let not my heart be hardened

2009-04-27T22:11:00.000-07:00

I yield.

2009-04-26T21:17:00.000-07:00

I am nobody's consolation prize.

2009-04-20T01:23:00.000-07:00

i wanted to give God something today. something only i could give Him. i thought about writing some poetry, but its been so long since i wrote anything beautiful. i know that as long as i give with a joyful and sincere heart, He will be glad, but i want to give Him something truly good. i thought about how my faith has been slipping as of late. faltering in believing that what im waiting for is worth it. i thought about how i was built from the ground up - about how i was designed with a very specific purpose in mind (thank you Caesar). all my eccentricities, all my oddities, all the untamed corners of my heart have purpose. i have so long believed that those with passion are either doomed to waste it on those who wont return it or take it to the grave alone. i know it simply isnt true. i believe that digging my feet in and deciding to wait for what He has planned pleases Him. but old habits die hard. the truth is, its really difficult to believe some days. i start to slip back into my fog and believe the old lies- "its just the way i am", "i was born this way and there isnt any escaping it", "hope destroys." but hope doesnt destroy. Caesar preached on Romans 5 today and about how hope does not disappoint. it was exactly what i needed to hear. my hope is frail. letting hope live in my heart and not hating it is new to me. i feel like this is a basic human function that i should have learned long ago, but didnt. just sitting here, believing, and WAITING. while still believing. how? i am to notice the signs around me, all the telemetry, all the information i glean and while it all points to certain doom, i am to remain steadfast and believe. and look at what God has done already. he has turned me upside down and shaken much of the doubt out of my pockets. but i have held on to some. not much, but a good enough amount to make me untrusting of whats around the corner. so this is my gift. this is the doubt ive been holding on to. a potpourri of lies i have believed since childhood have kept me down far too long.

i am not being punished

i am not bound by the blood in my veins

i can become something different than my predecessors

He knows the desires of my heart and isn't scratching His head wondering how He's going to pull this off

i believe He wants to bless me

i believe i can be good for someone else

i believe that my testimony can be used for good, that my past is not just a source of shame, but that there are others who have walked in places as dark as the ones i knew that need to know they can be free of torment, of the demons that plague them, of the things that haunt them and claw at them in their waking hours

my life is not a beautiful tragedy. my story doesnt end that way.

i chose to yield my sword to the Living God and i believe He loves me enough to see me become the man he wants me to be

my struggle is not in vain. i believe this will bare fruit. i will be grateful for the valleys as well as the peaks in my life. just because i dont feel like believing or being joyful doesnt mean i cant. this is my gift today, and i feel His pleasure in it.

On soup

2009-04-14T12:08:00.001-07:00

i am preparing to make soup some time this week. it will be a new soup and i am excited. i cannot paint or draw. food is my art. a new recipe is like a new color. my successes are built on the backs of many many failures. i have come to appreciate these failures for what they are - a foundation for something beautiful. i take joy in my failures in the kitchen. it is a metaphor for life. this last sunday i made my very first prime rib. it was distinctly cooked between rare and medium rare - what culinary experts refer to as the perfect point to cook a prime rib to. i rarely get something right straight out of the box, so im happy to have a high bar for my own prime rib. fresh greens were washed and unstrung by hand, individually. the greens took me about half hour to prepare by hand before they were cooked. i think it was worth it. when i cook i come alive. the new soup will be an experiment in different bases to make stock. thus far, i have only used potato. i will make stock from the prime rib on sunday and hopefully sometime this summer move on to a tomato base - a new standard for my soups. i think i would like to become a soup specialist. a good artist often settles on one medium. sauces and soups. i think i would like to be known for that. and the occasional turkey. i do so love turkey. cheers.

2009-04-08T14:31:00.000-07:00

so just wanted to comment on some things that i've been dealing with and what God's been showing me about them. i recently have been feeling led towards 1st Samuel to read about David. now i love reading 1st Samuel because its all about David BEFORE he was king. i picked up after they had defeated the philistines and David is in love with Saul's youngest daughter, Michal. Saul offers to let David marry her, but David keeps looking at his position. he's a poor young man from a poor family. (spare him his life for his monstrousity?) so he declines to the king several times, saying it is no small thing to become the king's son-in-law. so then the king, who wants David dead due to his jealousy, says he will give his daughter in marriage to the man who brings him 100 philistine foreskins. THIS IS NOT GENTLEMANS WORK. David was a rough man, like me. David was a soldier, like me. next, i feel David's passion as he goes out and gets double the amount the king had asked for. in negotiating bride price, usually one would negotiate less than the the original offer, but David pays twice the price (without being tricked like Jacob, without being duped or asked to) willingly. i get that kind of passion.

but what i think God really wanted me to see happens a little later. David has just spent all this time protecting this man Nabal's property from raiding parties and such and when he sends some men to ask Nabal for a little bit of meat and grain, Nabal pretty much tells them to bugger off. furious, David speaks these words - "It's been useless—all my watching over this fellow's property in the desert so that nothing of his was missing. He has paid me back evil for good. ²² May God deal with David, ^[c] be it ever so severely, if by morning I leave alive one male of all who belong to him!"(1 Samuel 25:21-22)

David knew vengeance and bloodlust. later in the story Nabal's wife Abigail stops David and then marries David when Nabal dies. she does this by bringing his men meat and cakes and stuff on donkeys and convincing David not to have that kind of bloodshed on his hands. it is her sincerity that calms David, and he praises God out loud for her for stopping him from committing this act of vengeance. David's screw ups were not over that day, but he became the man in scripture known as the "man after God's own heart." David was rough. David was wild. David dealt with some pretty mean demons - demons that spurred him on to cut and slash and burn and destroy. i am so grateful for this scripture. i will not pretend to be as great as David. he made some tough calls that im not sure i would have been able to make. but the proof is in the pudding that David was not always a man that thought first and acted second. or prayed first and acted second. he had his moments of the same kinds of problems i have. and look what God did with him. it gives me such hope that God can do something similar with me! that He can take a rough man like myself and make me gentle. not weak, but meek. to be long-suffering. to turn my cheek. to overcome my enemies by feeding them and giving them water. i am not there yet. i still have my days, as evidenced by earlier this february. but i take courage. God has done some amazing things of late. there is always hope...

2009-04-04T01:58:00.000-07:00

some praiseworthy things i thought i might mention:

God has rained money down on me. More than I had asked for. More than I had hoped for.

My car has not had trouble starting in a very long time.

It looks as though God will be letting me stay in Pullman longer, which is exactly what i wanted. i know i will probably have to leave some day, but i am in love with this area and am overjoyed that i get to stay for at least a couple more years.

i am making new friends in places i thought i would not.

cheers.

2009-03-25T00:35:00.000-07:00

it isnt what you think.

i promise there is much more going on than meets the eye.

things ive learned this week

2009-03-20T17:10:00.000-07:00

i can fit a serving of fruit in every day. i just have to make the effort to remember.

i shouldn't give up on myself. the reward of victory is too sweet.

there is far more going on then i will ever see. no matter how much i crave and claw i will never have all the information i want.

letting go of what i used to be does not make me soft. it does not make me weak.

i can let go of what i used to be without lowering my battle standard.

my God is everywhere.

Spring Break Day 2

2009-03-17T12:41:00.001-07:00

i had a dinner last night and had people over, something i didnt think i was going to get to do over break. we had a top round roast, corn, and farfalle with cheese. also, chuck roasts were on sale at safeway so i bought one and will probably have another dinner sometime later this week. also will be meeting with caesar sometime this week, which is always a nice time.

does anyone read these anymore?

most times i write just to write. if i can get my thoughts in front of me i can wrap my head around them a little better. (it is hailing outside)

i just finished Acts last night. Paul was a trooper.

i wish it was summer so i could go fishing. dont get me wrong i love winter the most, but sitting on the dock with your friends and a cooler full of goodies while fishing is one of the single most enjoyable activities in the whole world.

sometimes i wonder if ive gone too soft.

Malachi 2:16

2009-03-16T13:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I received word that I have now officially joined the ranks of those with divorced parents. It is... a numbing effect. God hates divorce. He says so. it is more than difficult to not imagine the same thing happening to me, to love someone and have them run off with someone else. but i must remember that i am different than my parents. my wife will be different.

Caesar cornered me at church yesterday (in a good way. he always says exactly what ive been praying for answers for) and asked me if i had a woman in my life. i told him that i did not and that i have been single for close to six years. he asked me if it was something that i prayed about and i told him laughingly that it was something i prayed every night about. he impressed upon me to pray specifically. that it was of the utmost importance. so as i was praying last night, i realized (with great amusement) that the long list of things i had once prayed for had shortened considerably. first, that she love the Father more than me. second, that she have enough love for the rest of the world, especially the lost. third, that she was the kind of woman who extended her hand to the needy and the weak. and fourth, that she was a woman who wanted children and a family. i didn't pray that she would be patient. i didnt pray that she would enjoy the same things i did. there are a myriad of different things i didnt pray for. im always so frustrated with women who seem to be looking for a finished product when, in fact, we men are not. i thought it was time i started offering a little grace in that area, as she is likely not a finished product also.

many things have been happening lately that give the air a kind of a...different feel. i have no clue as to when i will meet my future wife or if i know her already. i am not saying it will be soon (although i would very much like that to be the case) but i am now more confident than ever that God intended me for a family and not celibacy (which i have been begrudgingly preparing for, as though it were my just punishment.) it is a different thing to wake up in the morning and know without seeing that there will be a woman who can see me. i am astonished more and more at the good things God will place in our lives if we learn to let Him. we cannot accept blessings with a clenched fist, mark howard always said. how true. cheers.

2009-03-12T19:14:00.001-07:00

i still have my hands and my feet. tomorrow, the sun will still come up. there will be a roof over my head and food in my pantry. no matter how much the world nips at my heels, the Father is good to me in that i will never be in need. i should be more thankful for the things i have than sad at the things ive been stripped of. if i wasnt useful, bad things wouldnt happen to me. the devil wouldnt bother with me. and what the devil intends for evil the Father will knit together for the good of those that love Him. i can rest easy tonight and know that i have never been unloved.

the important things

2009-03-08T13:28:00.000-07:00

something very important occurred to me at church this morning. ive decided that i have to want a woman that is hospitable. my goal is to be renowned for my hospitality. to be known as someone whose door is open and whose pantry, kitchen, roof, couch, washer/dryer, etc is available for those that have need of it. the idea of having a mate is that we will be better together than we are apart. the whole becomes greater than the sum of its parts, so to speak. if i am to be a hospitable man, i cannot couple with an inhospitable woman. if i am to marry, it must be to someone who understands that our lives are not our own, and so neither are our belongings. my home is not famous for being tidy. i know that. believe me when i say i wish i was a better housekeeper most of the time. but my home is well used. and i do take a certain satisfaction in that. it warms my heart when people come to dinner, use the washer and dryer, or crash on the couch. because i know that God's things are being used.

"She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy."
Proverbs 31:20

this is the kind of woman i should be looking for.

inside the snow globe

2009-03-07T16:37:00.000-08:00

it is snowing. which makes me want to drive real slow on the highway listening to my old jars of clay cd. i wish i had boots. for tromping. i havent tromped in a while. i would go tromping through the snow and come back to my house for hot chocolate with my dear friends. all thats missing is the old labrador near the fireplace.

2009-03-06T02:49:00.000-08:00

sometimes i REALLY want to write what i think other people want to read. and tonight is no exception. but the truth is, i've got nothing tonight. and thats the honest truth. id write about my feelings, but theyre mine for a reason tonight. id write about my plans for the future and how im just content with whatever the Father gives me, but the truth is i doubt my ability to hear His voice. more dreams that make me doubt my potential competency as a dad. i want to be such a good dad.

i finally got my medicine yesterday, so i am recovering slowly but surely. i am still moving a bit slow, but the soreness is getting better.

my jeans which just had the left knee repaired now have a gaping hole in the right knee. and also, brock, robbie and i had manwiches after cj's while watching a movie. so...good day? it had its moments... got hit with some solid (albeit hard to swallow) truth, but something i probably needed to hear out loud. i guess we can call this one a win. ish. i know the day is still good since its God's gift to me. i just wish i werent so ungrateful sometimes. cheers.

Adventure and Prudence

2009-03-03T16:28:00.001-08:00

discipline and wisdom and prudence are all things i pray every night for. because i need them. desperately. but i was also built for something different. and adventure is how we find ourselves. adventure is how we see why we were made the way we were. i have a rule. if someone calls me to go somewhere after i have already gone to bed, i get up and i go. that is the rule. i started this years ago and i am grateful for the stories i have because of it. sometimes adventure comes at a cost. if you can bare this cost, then go. adventure is how we shake off the illusions of this world. peter didnt stay with the fish. adventure is how we show them something new.

2009-03-03T00:23:00.001-08:00

my starter is dead. which means the new starter must be installed. i left a note inside my dash asking people to please not tow or ticket me. but as for now, i am car-less. on the plus side we went grocery shopping tonight so there is food in the cupboards again. and i think i am getting a clearer idea of what God wants me to do. i think. we move forward. cheers.

2009-03-01T23:18:00.000-08:00

not that this really influences anyone but me, but i think i have the car situation figured out. the car was parked facing downhill, which didnt give the engine a chance to unflood. that has been remedied, thanks to my awesome friends. tomorrow we will try again! we move forward! we also pray for no tickets and no towing... and to those i didnt get to see at church today after not being able to make it, i wish i had seen you today and will hopefully see you soon. cheers.

2009-03-01T19:05:00.001-08:00

my car's engine has flooded. currently, that means it is parked in the alley across from rico's and i have no idea when it will be up and running again. pray i do not get a ticket. cheers.

Insert Title Here?

2009-02-27T14:34:00.000-08:00

brian's advice was spot on, i think. im just going to put the whole thing behind me. in other news, i am out of milk. i came to the second to last chapter in john last night. jesus appears to mary of magdalane at his tomb. she rushes forward but he insists she not hold on to Him because He had not yet returned to His Father. i think it was awfully nice of Him to stop by and say hello to mary first. it reminds me of the testimony i heard once of an englishman related by a friend. the man came from the common (my people!) part of town and when he had received the Word, he prayed and commented on what a "fine chap" and "awfully decent fellow" Jesus was.

its no secret i like cloudy days. the weather that makes most people miserable is the kind that sparks some of my fondest memories. dark cloudy days bring promises of rain. and i do so love the rain. but every once in a while a sunny day comes along that i can appreciate. today just happens to come after a heavy rain and a little snow. i cannot help but feel its just for me. it is a memorial of our time together. for years i hid in fear and exile for what id done, for what i had become. and He still came for me. He pushed through the dense fog i had enveloped myself inside. Past the scary noises and the shadows He found me. i assumed He came to punish me. i assumed it was my end. but He carried me out. out of the fog that i had made my home. when we sing the song grace like rain, i always remember. all my stains are washed away. i was stained. and He came for me. proof that Jesus loves the monsters too. He cleaned me up, gave me new linen for my life, and invited me into His home. the same home i had railed against, made war against.

this was when life began. today i remember my rescue.

2009-02-27T03:06:00.001-08:00

it has taken me twenty minutes to get this far. i am afraid my computer has a virus. we are searching for it now. i can't remember what i was going to say. oh. yes. tonight. it was...up and down. a little of each i would say. i don't know. the whole situation has me....tense. i think thats the right word. im a little out of my element on this one. we dont have an answer in a can. oh well. we keep moving. we did get to have bagels at the bagel shop tonight. :D <----my best impression of a genuine smile. mmmmm.

2009-02-24T20:41:00.001-08:00

i like it very much here. if i could stay here for a very long time, i think i would. i think i still might. there are so many things that calm the senses here, and bring them to life at the same time. the weather, i would not trade for any other place. especially the summer weather that most other people miss. the terrific thunder and lightning storms, the green sweeping hills (that everyone else always sees as gold. one should feel very special to see them green) and the summer rain! i know my home isnt much (and i prefer it that way) but when the rain really comes down, it is a symphony on my aluminum roof. and i do so love a symphony. the heavy bell sound that comes from my little shoot above the bathroom fan, the percussion on the rest of the roof and the drip drip drip that comes from everywhere else. i think... i am in love with the rain. :) Cheers.

2009-02-24T12:19:00.000-08:00

it appears that one can slightly manipulate the GI Bill. it will pay 60% of the most expensive public university tuition undergraduate rate in the state you are attending. Here, that comes to about 4,000. But in Michigan, it is about 10,000. Now if it costs the same (roughly) to go to school in Michigan as it does here or California, but I get more money to go to Michigan... I may be going to Michigan. It is 12,000 in Ohio and Texas and 15,000 in Tennessee. Or I may stay here for grad school. No idea what God has planned. We will see.

100th Blog

2009-02-22T15:09:00.000-08:00

This is my 100th blog. I wanted it to be a little sunnier than this, but God says the truth will set you free. I forgot some things this week. I forgot that when I hurt, God hurts too. That's a terrible thing to forget. I broke down a bit on Friday. I turned off my phone and I left town. There are things I take SUCH pride in, like keeping certain parts of my life on a tight leash. And they get away from me, because I'm only human. The rage at my failure to control these things and the self destruction that follows is such a high price to pay for my pride. Why can't I remember that when I hurt, God hurts with me? That when I turn my hate inward, God feels slighted at my insult to His design? Self inflicted pain doesn't just hurt me. It hurts Him. I would be a fool to think that the things that cause me the most pain are being ignored by my Father. But that is how I feel sometimes. I know it isn't true. And in my lucid moments, I try fervently to remind myself that there is a plan. That there are no coincidences. Scripture says that everything works together for the good of those who love Him. That tells us that everything that happens is woven together in an infinitely inconceivable way for our benefit. There is a quote from a friend's blog that I have read over and over and over again this last little bit because it hits home so well for me right now. It has become one of my most favorite quotes:

"If human life is in fact ordered by a beneficent being whose knowledge of our real needs and of the way in which they can be satisfied infinitely exceeds our own, we must expect a priori that His operations will often appear to us far from beneficent and far from wise, and that it will be our highest prudence to give Him our confidence in spite of this..." C.S, Lewis - On Obstinacy in Belief
(Thank you Brooke)

I am trying to remember this. All day I have felt Him asking me, "Do you trust me?" I don't want to lie. Sometimes I don't. Not because I feel He is incapable, but truthfully because I forget He cares. And that is also a terrible thing to forget. He deserves much better from me.

For those of you who felt slighted on Friday, please accept my apologies. It wasn't any of you. I become frightful when I get like that and I would never want to hurt any of my loved ones. I don't ever want anyone to see me like that and that is why I left and turned off my phone. I have trouble believing that people as good as you could understand things like bloodlust and vengeance and the terrible things I think I might do sometimes. Things that shame me to pieces, even now. I often feel that I am not the kind of man that belongs in your circle. This is especially true of the women in my life as I often tell myself that most of them are too good for me. God is kind enough to remind me that this is precisely the kind of woman I should be praying for, the kind of woman that so many of you have provided a fine example of and I thank you for that.

As for the men in my life, you have been nothing less than solid. Your brotherhood has helped make me into the man I am today, which I am proud to say is far from the man that came to pullman almost four years ago.

Whoever took the time to read this far, thank you. I pray you all have a great day and we will see each other soon. Cheers.

2009-02-18T21:41:00.000-08:00

I am livid. not to say that i am unstable. but i am very, very angry. every time i consider my mother the idea of celibacy seems far more attractive. this idea of blind family loyalty is not biblical. my grandmother insists i stop this nonsense and just let bygones be bygones. my mother left our family for another man and insists both in court and church that my dad beat her over the last 10-15 years. as though it were even possible. and now knowing i have to see her at a wedding in august makes me clench my jaw all the tighter. i am angry. and i want to be left alone. that is all.

What ive noticed

2009-02-16T16:12:00.000-08:00

it is becoming easier to be still and feel Him. i cant hear His voice yet. not the way i want to. but i can slow down and feel Him. and that is enough for now. we keep moving. we move forward.

2009-02-14T01:44:00.000-08:00

I have to review Mike's for the evergreen so the boys and i did a little recon. surprisingly, the place was seedier than i had imagined. i still cant hear, i feel dirty for having been there, but did reconnect with an old friend who seems to be in a rough spot so hey maybe God sent us. let me reiterate that this is not a place i would visit at my leisure. phil remarked that he had never appreciated the waltz so much. i agree. bleh. but we are home safe. sanctuary!

2009-02-11T11:45:00.001-08:00

There is no spoon.

2009-02-03T15:51:00.001-08:00

today i heard back from the editor at the evergreen and he liked my article and will be using it! meeting today to hammer out the details of a regular column. hooray for small good things.

2009-01-28T15:45:00.000-08:00

A small good thing happened in the last two days - I am being given a tryout for the Daily Evergreen Food Critic position! today i went on my little food trip with a friend and ate at a place that just reopened. a good little event in my otherwise humdrum week. hopefully i get the gig!

2009-01-27T10:20:00.001-08:00

Today was up early to complete two case briefs. the max temp inside my little home was 54 degrees with the heaters on full. very cold. but i was able to complete my briefs and enjoy a bowl of honey nut cheerios. they have full grains or something. i am currently in the compy lab about to go to class. really nothing new going on. i dont know. off to class. cheers.

2009-01-21T19:35:00.001-08:00

Today is day 14. Praise God! We keep going!

Speaking of drunkeness... (a blog for em and brooke. had to share)

2009-01-09T01:55:00.000-08:00

Just got home from a wonderful evening out! girls said they wanted steak fries so we met up at ricos and they had fries while we all played pool. after we were done i drove them home and was on my own way home when i saw two drunk guys stumbling down the road. they held out their thumbs for a ride and in all honesty i thought the one was flipping me off so i passed them up, but circled around again to offer them a ride. i picked them up and asked if i could give them a ride somewhere and they said zeppos. they asked what i did here in pullman and if i had a job somewhere and i told them that i dont but im usually too busy with school and church activities and they commented on how good church was. i chuckled and agreed. we got to zeppos and the guy said "well the taxis wouldnt give us a ride, so im going to treat you like a taxi." i insisted that payment wasnt necessary and he insisted it was and pulled out a bill and told me to put it in my pocket and not look at it. i chuckled, said "God bless" and they left and as i pulled out of the parking lot, could not believe that i was the proud new owner of a $50 bill!!!! and right when i was down to no money again before school starts. so i would point again to all the wonderful things that God has done for me as of late and call this one just another fabulous example of God's grace. there is such comfort in the fact that He's right here, right now. cheers.

On Marriage

2009-01-08T02:22:00.000-08:00

one of these days im going to be married to a wonderful woman. she will love God, first and foremost. she will be kind and generous and defend the needy. she will love children and animals (maybe even cats. i will continue to just tolerate them). she will be patient with me and overlook my inequities. and i will love her with a fierce, fierce passion. i will tell her as often as my brain remembers to tell her that she is beautiful and well loved. i will do everything in my living breathing power to be the kind of man that will nourish and support her dreams - to be a blessing and not a hindrance. i will guard my marriage jealously and i will have no eyes for others. and i will raise smart, well-behaved, kind, God-loving children with this woman.

the reason i say this is because THIS is how i will make my stand about the sanctity of marriage. it irritates me to no end that all these people want to jump on the bandwagon to define a marriage as between a man and a woman - to protect the sanctity of marriage. (i make no mistake, homosexuality is not part of God's design. God has a different plan for these individuals and i have made that known to my friends who are homosexual. i continue to love them as Jesus loved me, one of the worst sinners this world ever had. but i also continue to tell them that their way is not God's way.) how can people (especially private christian groups) be so fierce and ferocious about this agenda, when the divorce rate is so high?! what have we shown about the so called sanctified institution of marriage when between 35-50% of the population is divorcing (a rate that remains constant in and out of the Church). and Believers get so offended when i refuse to sign their petitions, either online or in person. who are we trying to fool? i have never hidden my views on homosexuality and i believe they are firmly in line with scripture. i remember that He came for me when i still moved against Him. i remember that i was shown His love without people presuming to sit on His throne of judgment. they will know us by our actions. i choose to act by building the best marriage i possibly can - one that is centered around God and one that does not divorce. that is how i will protect the sanctity of marriage.

2009-01-04T13:34:00.000-08:00

wanted to take a moment and thank God for answering specific prayers as of late:

1. my electricity was not shut off. in fact, the CAC awarded me more than $500 towards my avista account and so i am well heated for the winter!

2. i got a good score on my lsat. while i still have to take it again, i have a good place to start and in no way bombed the test.

3. my friend and i talked about pancakes before church today and i thought it silly to pray for a pancake breakfast somewhere so just wished it, but God gave me a pancake breakfast at my friends house.

4. while i have scraped the bottom of my pantry a few times this year, i have never been without food. even if it isnt my favorite, i still have had good food and drink as God has so generously provided for me.

5. while i may go awhile without money in my bank account, when bills have needed to be paid God has always made sure that i have what i need. in some cases money has come from very unexpected places, completely out of the blue.

6. God has kept me faithful for me desire to stay in His Word. at least a few minutes every day since last may.

7. He has given me the drive to finish my first time all the way through the Bible. started my second time through a week ago.

8. even though it gets very lonely sometimes, He has provided the very best friends a guy could ask for. my friends never hesitate to pray for me, keep me accountable, or do anything asked of them.

9. almost two years ago (two years in may) i paid $100 for an '85 chevy celebrity that wasnt supposed to make it all the way through the summer. by His grace, the car goes through the snow and the summer (even without AC) like a champ. i dont have to haul my groceries up a big hill because of God's generous provision of my vehicle.

10. and finally, just for the everyday roof over my head and the clothes on my back. my clothes arent the nicest but they keep me warm and fully dressed which is much more than some people have. and while i may live in a trailer, its my trailer and its a home.

just wanted to share with the world how good God has been to me.

Matthew 6:25-34

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^[b]?28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

2009-01-03T14:15:00.001-08:00

Psalm 46

For the director of music. Of the Sons of Korah. According to Alamoth. A song. ^[a]

1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.

2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.

5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.

6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

8 Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.

9 He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields ^[b] with fire.

10 "Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."

11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

2008-12-30T14:48:00.000-08:00

so after running the numbers, it has come to my attention that I need at least a 163 to have a sure-fire chance of getting in to law school. as i only score a 158, i do need to retake the lsat in june. like 90% of all lsat takers, i must take it a second time. bleh. but that is ok. i have gone over my answers and found a few fundamental mistakes i was making. this gives me time to prepare and do better on the june one. and i know exactly what to expect this time. we move forward!

2008-12-29T23:17:00.000-08:00

LSAT scores are in! I got a 158 which puts me in the 75th percentile which is a decent score. I am seriously considering studying and taking the one in june just to try and up the score a bit before i start applying next fall. with my gpa, i kinda need all the lsat i can get. either way, i did not tank! hooray and whatnot.

2008-12-27T17:49:00.001-08:00

I do not believe LSAT scores will come today. which means that this will be the longest that people have waited for their scores in five years. figures. the agony stretches on and on and on.

2008-12-26T22:26:00.001-08:00

It is currently 1:30 AM on the East Coast. LSAT scores start coming out in 8 and a half hours. I will be staying up most likely from here on out!

2008-12-26T00:13:00.000-08:00

ive just had a wonderful christmas. :)

2008-12-24T20:08:00.001-08:00

california western has a trimester system that allows someone to get a law degree in two years. its starting to look more attractive to me. plus san diego is by the water. i could live by the water again. i always felt better when i was by the water.

2008-12-24T14:36:00.003-08:00

lsat scores did not come in yesterday. that means saturday at the earliest. ugh. i want to know!

2008-12-22T20:44:00.001-08:00

been a while since ive done a real blog. mostly just been reading everyone elses. i have pullman mostly to myself. the snow is knee deep. had to dig my car out with a shovel today. i may have to wait longer than i thought for my lsat score. word from the ether is that it could be anytime between tomorrow and january 5! i am hoping for tomorrow. better to know now if i have to take it again. more time to study. i am currently barefoot. socks are drying from the snow in front of the heater. soon i will have nice and toasty socks. i am almost finished with the whole Bible for the first time! only a few more chapters to go and i will have read all of it. i will finish up the old testement and head right on into the new. one does not simply stop reading scripture. the very words of life. i have felt so much better about my relationship with God since i started this routine. it has become so much more precious to me. also, i bought things for potato soup. yum. big ol chunks of bacon and sausage with potatoes and onions. something nice and hearty to enjoy while it snows. yum indeed.

2008-12-13T13:34:00.000-08:00

Today marks the beginning of the snowy season! Seven glorious months of snow! A daily excuse for coffee and pie. cheers.

2008-12-07T15:55:00.000-08:00

Law Schools I am applying to by order of difficulty:

Seattle University - Seattle, Washington
Penn State - Carlisle, Pennsylvania
Drake University - Des Moines, Iowa
Gonzaga - Spokane, Washington
Willamette University - Salem, Oregon
Thomas Jefferson - San Diego, California

2008-12-05T08:43:00.000-08:00

Rainy Day
Coldplay

Then there was rain
The sky wore a veil of gold and green
At night it was the bright of the moon with me
Time is just floating away

Then there was rain
The sound foundations are crumbling
Through the ground comes a bit of a-tumbling
And time was just floating away
What could we say?
And we can listen

Oh rainy day, come 'round
Sometimes i just want it to slow down
And we're separated now, i'm down
But i love it when you come over to the house
I love it when you come over to my house

Then there was rain
I spent the night with the Queen Of Spain
My lonely little heart would have broke again
Times were vicious
Saying deeper than the knife goes in I know you win
You end up with less than when you begin
Deeper than the knife goes in
oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh ohhhhh

Oh rainy day, come 'round
Sometimes i just want it to slow down
And we're separated now, i'm down
But i love it when you come over to the house
I love it when you come over to my house

aaaaaahhhh aaaaahhhhhh
aaaaaahhhh aaaaahhhhhh

But i love it when you come over to the house
I love it when you come over to my house(x2)

2008-12-04T14:19:00.000-08:00

Somewhere Only We Know
Keane

I walked across, an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth, beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when, you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.

I came across, a fallen elm tree,
I felt the branches; are they looking at me?
Is this the place, we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when, you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go, somewhere only we know
Somewhere only we know.

Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So, tell me when you gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything.
So why don't we go, so why don't we go.

Hmmm yeahh.

This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go, somewhere only we know,
Somewhere only we know
Somewhere only we know.

2008-10-18T17:38:00.000-07:00

tonight:

Roast Turkey
Mashed Potatoes
Stuffing
Corn
Crescents
Pumpkin Pie
Sparkling Cider

2008-10-17T00:54:00.000-07:00

Rob says, "A man chases a woman until she catches him."

"There are three things that are too amazing for me,
four that I do not understand:
the way of an eagle in the sky,
the way of a snake on a rock,
the way of a ship on the high seas,
and the way of a man with a maiden."

Proverbs 30:18-19

Tonight I went with all my friends to the local dance club and couldn't agree more. Thanks Rob.

My Favorite Song and probably last post for a while

2008-10-04T15:05:00.000-07:00

What About Everything
Carbon Leaf

Holiday quiet on these streets, except for some stubborn leaves
That didn't fall with the fall, and now they clatter in vain
Holiday sky, midnight clear
Wind is high, hard to steer
Old muffler rumbles like an old fighter plane
In search of some rest, in search of a break
From a life of tests where something's always at stake
Where something's always so far
What about my broken car?
What about my life so far?
What about my dream?
What about.....

What about everything?
What about aeroplanes?
And what about ships that drank the sea?
What about...
What about the moon and stars?
What about soldier battle scars
And all the anger that they eat?
I am not in need

Get away and come with me
Come away with me and we'll see
If I was right on that night, that a future was made
Before time takes each year, like a knife cuts it clear
It's school, then work and then life that just sharpens the blade
I think about time for fun
I think about time for play
Then I think about being done, with no resume
With no one left to blame
What about fortune and fame?
What about your love to obtain?
What about the ring?
What about....

What about everything?
What about aeroplanes?
And what about ships that drank the sea?
What about...
What about the moon and stars?
What about soldier battle scars
And all the anger that they eat?
I am not in need

Holiday quiet on these streets, except for some reason me
The hometown harbor lights bright, the sailboats clatter in vain
Holiday sky, midnight clear
Wind is high on this pier
I find it hard to complain when compared with what about...

What about everything?
What about aeroplanes?
And what about ships that drank the sea?
What about...
What about the moon and stars?
What about soldier battle scars
And all the anger that they eat?
What about...
What about aliens? What about you and me and...
What about gold beneath the sea?
What about...
What about when buildings fall?
What about that midnight phone call...
The one that wakes you from your peace?
Well, I am not, I am not, I am not in need

2008-09-28T17:29:00.001-07:00

signed up for a campus friends program to help international students climatize to american culture. get to meet mine tomorrow at starbucks. also get to work on my korean with him and help him with his english. hooray for language barriers!

2008-09-28T03:13:00.000-07:00

what a day. Too much to put into a little blog like this. such a big thing to be at peace about. thank God for God eh?

cardio update

2008-09-25T17:44:00.000-07:00

today i dropped my mile time by 32 seconds, putting me at 12:08. Almost under 12 minutes! Not where it once was, but the improvement makes me happy. We keep going!

2008-09-21T13:20:00.000-07:00

just got back from our annual riggins rafting trip. a weekend of barbeque, fishing, offroading and throwing sticks for dogs. fun fun. made some new discoveries and pushed myself a bit. all in all, great weekend. got to see my best friend and his new rig. calling this one a win.

2008-09-16T17:27:00.001-07:00

started my cardio program today. 9 minutes 30 seconds for 3/4 miles. thats a 12 minute 40 second mile. blech. we keep going!

2008-09-15T15:36:00.001-07:00

I drew up my Will today. It's a strange thing to try to make sure things go the way you want them to after you are dead. I hope everyone is happy with the arrangements I made.

PS I have no intention of dying anytime soon.

2008-09-13T02:46:00.000-07:00

my court case was settled today! for four years ive been being sued by this greedy lady and she finally settled. so no more worries in that corner of the world. and my job may actually have work for me next week for the first time in almost 9 months. lets hope so! im saving up for something big. cheers.

2008-09-03T15:05:00.001-07:00

The heart is deceitful above all things.

2008-09-02T18:08:00.000-07:00

well i had a good visit. wasnt itching to leave this time, like i get sometimes. i just knew it was time to come home so i did. had a great week, felt that i profited by it. things didnt turn out the way i thought they would, but that isnt so bad. different isnt always a bad thing. either way. im home now.

2008-08-31T09:35:00.000-07:00

so today is day number 6 visiting. i am going to a movie with my sister and then off to buy new dress shoes. then what? i dunno. my dad is making bacon. and kobe the dog is eating steak on the floor. i really dont have anything to say. at least nothing that i want to put up here quite right now. that is all.

2008-08-25T12:08:00.000-07:00

21 hours without sleep. not SO bad. my record is 46, but we arent doing that today. i leave for the west side at 4am, so T minus 16 hours. enough time to finish the school day, crash, wake up and pack, and go. i will be there soon. also, there is a new chinese food place on campus that is NOT tasty. wont lie, im mildly devastated. oh well. keep your fingers crossed that i get the car tomorrow. or do something slightly less superstitious and pray. my car is on its last leg. my car has legs. ?

2008-08-23T02:27:00.000-07:00

5000. i did it. cue parade.

2008-08-21T21:31:00.000-07:00

i try to remind myself that my dreams are just dreams. they have no consequences in my waking hours. they have no effect on the people around me. but sometimes, they bite and claw at me and id so much rather not feel the way i feel because i am stripped of the things i had just hours ago. my dreams are just dreams and nothing else. i wish i could tell myself that while i dream.

2008-08-20T02:05:00.000-07:00

summer is coming to an end, finally. the long awaited return of my friends has made this a good week so far. it will be a shame to leave next week after they all get back, but i will be back soon enough and have people to see and business to attend to on the west side. i am 300 reps from my summer goal of 5000 that must be done by sunday at midnight. thats really about all. cheers.

2008-08-16T03:57:00.001-07:00

plumbing repaired!

2008-08-15T23:28:00.000-07:00

my plumbing in the kitchen has...stopped. mess everywhere. drano all over me thanks to shoddy plumbing. cant cook or wash dishes till i fix it. not a good time..... have to wait till the morning even to do something about it. sad day.

2008-08-13T18:45:00.001-07:00

lifting lifting lifting. and thats about it, till the kids get back in town. you?

2008-08-09T01:36:00.001-07:00

4000!!! im exhausted. and where have you been?

2008-08-08T16:44:00.000-07:00

closing in on 4000 reps today! not long now. also, im waiting to hear back from the dealership about the car i want. cross your fingers!

2008-08-07T16:51:00.000-07:00

hmm. what to write. i...am wondering that same thing. i am car shopping, still. no luck yet. but i will keep at it. i have to, i mean. i think i will feel much better after the LSAT in october. the results will tell me more about where im headed, and that will be good. where am i gonna go and when? funny that i dont really need the why. is that wrong? i have plans and i have expectations, but they arent really solid yet. i have an idea, but nothing definite. i guess well see.

2008-08-06T23:25:00.000-07:00

well today i went to a friends new apartment and made dinner. he doesnt really know how to cook so it was kinda an instructional workshop too. we made parmesan chicken and home fried potatoes and peas. then a few of us went back to my house and we made milkshakes and watched a movie. thats been about it so far... no idea what the rest of the night will bring...

2008-08-05T23:04:00.000-07:00

i...had an ok night so far. couldnt get anyone to come over and share so it was just me with my braised lamb chops and parmesan noodles. 10 reps into lifting and we should hit 4000 by the end of this five day cycle! for the rest of the night i will car shop, lift, and chat. that is all.

2008-08-05T16:41:00.000-07:00

so my first thought for august...hmmm. i am looking forward to the school year, and i am shopping for a new car. i may have found a couple but they need minor repairs so i am seeing which is easier for me and my dad to fix. i am hoping to find a good buy! something a bit more reliable and (respectable?) we will see...

2008-07-30T17:11:00.000-07:00

i was up for 22 hours. had to keep an appointment at 7 am with my editor. then i slept for three hours. and now i am making dinner. i am a walking zombie. that can cook!

2008-07-29T23:41:00.000-07:00

i like old things. a friend returned from a trip to the middle east and had raided some parts of the wall from jericho. pottery from around the time the wall fell. i wrapped it to keep it safe.

i had dinner and watched a movie with a friend tonight. not many people are in town so i was grateful. i have lifting to do.

2008-07-27T22:51:00.001-07:00

i've decided to do bread bowls for all my soup nights, as it turned out much better than i had anticipated. had a good turn out of three friends, so the soup was not for naught. tomorrow starts my first day of summer vacation! three cheers! i have lifting to do, so this will be all.

2008-07-25T20:43:00.000-07:00

3000!!! Let's take a tally of the numbers so far...

3000 reps in 75 days is an average of 40 reps per day, so I need to pick up the pace to hit the 48 reps per day average needed to get to 5000 in 105 days of summer.

However

I only lifted on 50 of those 75 days (Saturdays off, on vacation, injury, or was just in a funk) so my average reps for days spent lifting was 60 per day.

I have 30 days left of summer after that. Of those 30 days, 25 of them are lifting days.

So, I need to average 80 reps per day on the lifting days. Lets go!

2008-07-25T18:27:00.000-07:00

today was a good day. my last day of class for the summer so i have a whole month off to prepare for the next semester. i got paid today so went grocery shopping and enjoy a meal of spaghetti and meatballs. i may be having a friend or two over on sunday for potato soup in bread bowls. i am lifting today and plan on making it to the 3000 rep mark by the end of the night. fingers crossed!

2008-07-23T15:01:00.000-07:00

just woke up from my nap. i feel very good. i smiled at the picture frame on my desk and realized i have two full cups of peanut shells that need to be taken away from desk. hmmm. if my check comes in the mail today i am going to make potato soup. ive been wanting some for a while now. plus its something i will have lots of leftovers of. im looking forward to school starting. im going to have a full month off after this friday. what to do with myself for a month? probably write a bit. maybe i can get a bunch of my articles for the school year done ahead of time. im also thinking of starting a portfolio of everything thats actually been published. that way i could be taken seriously as a freelance writer after college and maybe still make some side money. that would be great. especially if i went to grad school. ive got the weirdest craving for cucumber sandwiches...

2008-07-21T15:04:00.000-07:00

I've spent the last two days contemplating what to feel. Part of me felt one way and another part of me felt something different entirely. It is strange, to feel two things at once. To have two emotions vying for dominance in one heart. But prudence won out and I decided to think things through. I am better off than where I was. I didn't expect that. That's something to put some stock into isn't it? I always want the blueprints. Always want to know how things are going to play out in the end. But that isn't for us to know. I don't know how things will end up. I don't even know what the rest of the day will bring. One could lose their mind obsessing over these things. I've thought it through and I've decided I feel satisfied. Things turned out better than I had hoped for and maybe that's all this is about. Learning to have hope. Dropping the love/hate relationship I have with hope. It's healthy isn't it, to have hope? I'd like to think so. Fear isn't going to drive me away. I've weathered worse and I'm still alive. My life has changed so drastically in the last few months that I cannot help but feel purpose in it. I have a purpose driven life. And it's wonderful.

2008-07-20T00:22:00.000-07:00

The Daily Evergreen is done for the summer. Everyone just assumed I knew which is why no one told me. So I was not let go. Further, I received a call today from my editor saying the big editor liked my stuff and wanted me to do a piece for the Freshman Orientation Book on movies. And they would also like to talk about working in the fall. added a little brightness to the day. Below is the piece i spent four and a half hours on this evening.

“What's your favorite movie?” I hate this question. It infers that there are roughly ten to twenty movies out there, out of which I am supposed to select one. One movie. How in the name of Samuel L. Jackson am I supposed to pick one movie?! I could never pick just one movie, one genre, one actor to be my favorite. New movies come out literally every week. It would be fanatical even for a chubby single guy like me to stay on top of such a project. So I've done us all a favor. I have created the Movie Types All College Students Should Have A Favorite For Checklist, or MTACSSHAFFC for short. Hold the applause until the end, please.

Non-American Movie in English – Believe it or not, there is English beyond American English. Don't worry, I said movie, not film. Having a favorite movie in this genre is a great way to impress people with how sophisticated you are, even if you yourself are extremely unimpressive.

Examples: Waking Ned Divine; Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels.

Cult Classic – Everyone should have a favorite cult classic. The idea is to have a movie on your shelf that people will ask about only to have you stare skeptically at them and ask aloud, “Uh...what planet are you from?” Make them watch it over and over until they appreciate it.

Examples: Buckaroo Banzai; Army of Darkness; Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Non-Animal House College Movie – Yes, that's right. I didn't stutter. Everyone college student needs a movie about college students that doesn't actually resemble reality. Just don't try to re-create the shenanigans from the movie in real life, and no one will get hurt.

Examples: Old School; Accepted; Van Wilder; Slackers.

Sticking It To the Man Movie – At some point everyone feels like they just can't beat the system. Nothing cheers you up like watching a movie with the underdog coming out on top. Unless of course, that movie is Underdog.

Examples: Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Enough said.

Movie From Way Back in the Day – This is the movie you don't have to explain to anyone. It reminds you of that one time. Could be anything from Flight of the Navigator to Muppet Treasure Island.

Worst Movie Ever Made – Obviously this one doesn't have to be on your shelf, but it could be more interesting if it was. Everyone should have one movie they think was the worst movie ever made. But be careful, go too far into the ether to find one and you could end up with a good candidate for Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Examples: Thin Red Line; Durango Kids.

“Kids” Movie – What I mean by this is the movie you laughed at as a kid, then when you got older you understood the rest of. Doesn't necessarily mean adult humor was present. But face it, some things are better appreciated when you're older.

Examples: Shrek; Emperor's New Groove; Any of the Muppet Movies.

Again and Again and Again – Pretty self-explanatory, Sherlock. The movie you can watch until your eyes bleed. And then once more just for good measure.

Examples: Ocean's 11; Hot Fuzz; Evolution; Those are mine, get your own.

Stop Watching So Many Movies, Get Off the Couch and Live Your Life – Every now and then we need a movie to jump start our lives. Something feel-goodish that inspires the best in us.

Examples: With Honors; Power of One; Remember the Titans.

Some of the best movies I ever watched came from the dustiest part of the video store. Watch something unusual. Go hog-wild! Rent something on VHS! Or just something you've been meaning to see. Expand your horizons. Isn't that what college is all about?

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It isn't much, but it represents the largest piece of writing I've been paid for. And my name is getting out there. hooray for small good things.

2008-07-17T20:13:00.000-07:00

Lifting, lifting, lifting. Every rep trades bad strength for good strength. We are closing in on the half way mark. Ordinarily, I would make this a two-day goal. But I believe I have it in me today. I need this. I will lift until I get to this mark. I will not let sleep touch me until I cross the line! That is all.

2008-07-15T17:17:00.000-07:00

a funk can have some pretty crappy consequences. allowed myself to get so sidetracked by this one that i stopped lifting for ten whole days. ten days of lumbering around my house...snarling. but i started back up today. i believe i can still make my goal for the summer if i pick up the pace. and focusing on that right now is a welcome distraction.

2008-07-14T14:38:00.001-07:00

i could have done without the last few days. i thought once i made my decision the fog would lift. i thought id just be patient and wait. wait for my freakin neon sign. but there is no sign. we dont follow signs. im supposed to choose. im supposed to pick. how am i supposed to do that? i can't tell the good from the bad these days. i thought i could. but the truth is i cant. i keep waiting for a name whispered in my ear or a dream or something. but i cant tell my head from a hole in the ground. its so much more comfortable to just admire a woman from far away. sure i have the same daydreams as everyone else, have the same wishes. but im supposed to just pick based on what i see. i cant read a heart. all ive got to go on is what my senses tell me. one woman says she never wants to get married and means it, the other says the same thing and it means catch me if you can. and then gets angry when you try.

i had a dream last night where i was holding a womans hand watching tv. it was such a nice feeling. i woke up and felt that weightless rage again. like i wanted revenge for the daylight taking that feeling away. im angry all the time. and not just irritated. im angry and ive got nothing to aim it at. in my dreams i end up aiming at my mother. it has to go somewhere i guess. rather it be in a dream then one of my poor friends.

i feel better at night. when the sun goes down i feel like the rest of the world cant see me. like i can walk around and go anywhere. ive always liked night better than day, winter better than summer, dark snowy nights better than warm sunny days. is that wrong? does everything dark and cold have to be evil? didn't God create the snow and separate the night from the day?

i dont want to be a monster. i dont have to be. but its comfortable. i dont know if anyone else understands that. its easier to grit my teeth and just hate everything. get that rising feeling like i can just beat my way through walls to get where im going. but i show some restraint. i dont let people see that side of me. i want to be better. i want to be good.

i get the feeling this blog might be too long. it doesnt really matter. its therapeutic to write down my thoughts. will anyone ever understand all of this? i feel God. right here. right now. His hand is on my shoulder. He knows. He gets it. will anyone else?

i want passion. i want real Love. the good stuff. the stuff i keep telling myself only exists on the silver screen. i want to make someone's knees weak. i want to make someone's heart beat faster. i want someone who sees the monster in me and picks me anyway. is that wrong? i will not accept anything else. i will take my passion to the grave if i have to. i will not waste it on someone who doesnt get it. loneliness bites at my heels, but i will let it cut me off at the knees before i try to quench it with something trite. that is my final word on the matter.